I wake up
contemplating my behavior in the past week. My vain attempts to fit in and my
embarrassment at some of the stupid things I’ve said. I’ve reprimanded myself
for caring what other people think…a lifelong struggle with the performance mentality
that plagues me more frequently than I care to admit. Desperately wanting to be
so secure in God’s love and acceptance of me (because of Jesus’ finished work
on the cross), that the opinions of others don’t matter. But alas, I am
blind-sided by my vulnerability to those opinions. And my introspection is
debilitating.
As I lay
awake mulling these things over, God in His mercy, blesses me with a phone call
from a dear friend. Intervening before I waste another day in this neutralizing
frame of mind. My friend, a kindred spirit, shares a few of these traits that
we have always labeled as defects. And as I share my heart, she tells me about
the blog she read yesterday addressing the exact thing I’m struggling with. I’m
humbled because this phone call and the reading of said blog are not a coincidence,
but an answer to prayer.
Tears well
up as I read that being vulnerable is “beautiful” to God:
“I talk of
(God) as a kind Father and a gentle leader, but that language rarely moves to
reality without some level of uncomfortable exposure in my heart. I pray for ‘more
of God’ but I rarely grow in personal, intimate understanding of Him without,
first, wearing the kind of vulnerability that I seem to spend most of my time
avoiding.” (everybitterthingissweet.com)
And so, I
pray that God will remind me, especially in those most vulnerable moments, that
my shortcomings should cause me to look to Him for strength. “So now I am glad
to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
(II Corinthians 12:9) I don’t know about you, but I need constant reminders of
this!
