Desolation

My recent involvement with GriefShare has prompted me to contemplate loneliness. My heart goes out to the widows in our group who experience loneliness on a daily basis. Several of them have recently lost their husbands. Last night, one of them mentioned that whenever she goes somewhere, she doesn’t want to return home because going back to an empty house is almost more than she can bear.

If you look up loneliness in your Bible, you might be surprised that there aren’t very many verses that refer to loneliness. The word more often used is “desolation.” One definition of desolation is the “deprivation of companionship.” That is an accurate description of loneliness, isn’t it? Sadly, many people experience a deprivation of companionship even if they are constantly with other people. I can’t count the number of married women I know who experience extreme loneliness in spite of their marital status. Desolation.

“You’ve got one friend? You are lucky!

You’ve got two friends? You are blessed!

You’ve got no friends? It probably means you’re in the ministry!” quipped a Christian comedian. 

The audience laughed at her comments, but she went on to say that she wasn’t kidding. I don’t share this anecdote to evoke pity for me (as a pastor’s wife), but to point out that loneliness affects people from all walks of life. I think that when you’re in a position of leadership, people have a tendency to hold you at arm’s length, perhaps because they think that you will judge them. This adds yet another faction to the Lonely Hearts Club roster.

Psalm 77 reminds us that our feelings of desolation are nothing new: “I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help...Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never again be kind to me?” (Ps. 77:1-3 and 7)

Asaph continues to lament God’s alleged ill treatment of him until verses 11 and 12, “But then I recall all You have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.” He goes on to talk about the “great wonders” and “awesome power” of God. (vs. 14)

Jesus experienced times of intense loneliness. “Behold, an hour is coming, and has already come, for you to be scattered, each to his own home, and to leave Me alone...” However, Jesus knew that in spite of His feelings of desolation, He was not alone – “…and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.” (John 16:32)

What a comfort to know that God is always with us, especially when our feelings try to convince us otherwise. “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23:4) I encourage you to seek God in your times of loneliness. Take heart because just as He restored Job, “God will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” (Job 8:21)

Keeping it Simple

2016 has been a complicated year for me. Spur-of-the-moment decisions, unexpected adversity, grieving the loss of breached relationships…circumstances that often felt like more than I could bear. But in the midst of our trials, God encourages us to “cast all (our) anxiety of Him because He cares for (us).” I Peter 5:7

I recently helped an elderly gentleman in our church prepare to move. A gentle soul…some might call him simple-minded, but I think of it as more of an endearing childlikeness. Consider that Christ told His disciples that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who become like little children (Matthew 19:14).  I love this man’s childlike innocence and the way he accepts what you say at face value. It’s so refreshing.

And I realize how much I long for life to be simple. To “make it (my) ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to (my) own business and work with (my) hands.” I Thessalonians 4:11 To not focus on the external but to “let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” I Peter 3:4 “Precious in the sight of God” – at the moment, I can’t think of a more comforting thought.

But what do we do when life gets complicated? How do we keep things in perspective? Following Paul’s instructions to the Romans concerning being transformed by the renewing of our minds, he says not to think more highly of yourself than you ought to think. (Romans 12:2-3) And he elaborates on that idea in his letter to the Philippians: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” Phil. 2:3

Paul continues by saying that Christ is the epitome of humility: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men…He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:5-8

I can’t help but think that there’s a connection between humility and simplicity. Obviously, if we are of humble means, we probably live a simple life. But I’m thinking more about matters of the heart. The childlikeness that I find so endearing in our elderly friend makes me wonder if embracing humility might be the key to living simply.  

And so in my quest to keep it simple, I pray that God will teach me humility. For “the reward of humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, honor and life.” Proverbs 22:4 Hopefully a simple life.

From Mourning into Joy

After attended several sessions of a GriefShare group, it became evident that grieving is anything but simple. It’s definitely not cut and dried: one, two, three, and you’re over your grief. I didn’t realize just how complicated it would be until I started working through it.

I know that I grieved throughout my mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s Disease. With Dementia and other memory disorders, you grieve the loss of the person that you once knew. When your loved one suffers from any terminal illness, there is a slow and painful grieving process as you watch them deteriorate.

What can make it more challenging, is that many times the person suffering from memory loss doesn’t realize that something is wrong and they resent the fact that someone is trying to help them do simple, everyday things. This anger and resentment is usually directed toward the primary caregiver. So, if you happen to be the caregiver and a family member, not only are you grieving the loss of your loved one’s intellect and personality, but you have to bear the brunt of their frustration because of the memory loss. This brings yet another level of sadness to the grieving process.

And to complicate matters even more, I’ve discovered that once you start peeling back the surface layer of your grief, it exposes the many layers underneath. The loss of a precious grandchild. The severing of an important relationship. The terminal illness of a close friend. Life is full of sadness and many times we grieve for losses other than death.

In my case, when I was still struggling two years after my mother’s death, I thought perhaps I hadn’t grieved properly. However, after completing the GriefShare program, I realized that there was a reason why my grief seemed unresolved. I was blindsided when a family member stirred up trouble, which ultimately caused a breach in one of the most meaningful relationships of my life. Grieving my mother’s death was eclipsed by this persistent grief that appears to have no end in sight. Consequently, the situation often seems hopeless and I have a difficult time “letting go.” But I know that God promises to be “our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

And so I seek God’s help as I continue on this “journey from mourning into joy.” With the Psalmist, I pray, “O God, listen to my cry!  Hear my prayer! From the ends of the earth, I cry to You for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety.” Psalm 61:1-2